a pretty 2nd Leash on life..

life wasnt really that enduring and entertaining to persist, till i had that divine brush with Prettyness indemnified, the sweet afterwind of the little innocent, unknowing cute angel that flew past and took away with her, what had left of the weathered, submissive lone entity that i thought i was!

i thought i lived pretty well off with my own self. i thought i was doing pretty ok. i thought i did pretty well not sharing breathing space with another living being for most of my awakened life. but thats what i thought. Apparently i didnt do the math well, or i dont know maybe i was just too well fitted within my space in life. too much in equillibrium to bother or risk a reason.

i didnt try and wrestle my way out of the solitary sac that i was awkwardly pouched in. The sad white inpermeable sac that was life for back then. it was too much thoughtless comfort and it didnt come with too much remorse back then if i didnt wiggle my limbs about. I had found my peace with the sac and the surroundings that were. I had even called my truce with the pain from my own losses in life of near and dear. The ambiguity and unreasonable nature of the mess and complexities in life each day was more and more looking like an idea i needed to embrace and move on, rather than tend to the internal turmoil and fight it.

There was internal unrest and an ensuing power and ethical struggle. Out of choices, the docile mind had stepped in and acted as the nonchalant educated referee and had set apart the warring entities. Some that were insurgent were suppressed, some were trampled witless and rest were simply flagged and diverted.
There was too much unchannelled energy. too much unutilized capability, and a bit too much of intellectual restraint, given the non-conducive and irrelevant outlets. there was nothing. nothing at all. im not sure wether to blame it on my luck, or to concede to it as my fate, or to make both of them share the credit. i was unsure about everything! there was too much around that was being wasted. of all people, i knew i could atleast admit to myself without gloating, that there was atleast a decent amount of intellect and ability going to the dogs.

I dont believe in the concept or the usage of the term 'depression', apart from it being used a synonym to the word 'dent' with reference to a physical surface. i dont subscribe to the idea itself and simply loathe the ease with which people today take to the word, and then conviniently hide behind it and then subconsciously tend to their own insecurities, complexes and weaknesess with a new found sense of hypothetical approval and endorsement by society. its as if they have an 'accepted' explanation and reason to the state they 'are in'. Though its nothing but a hypothetical state they 'choose to be in'! There is no such thing as a state of 'depression'! Its normal range of emotions amongst all the others that a human being of capable of going through.

If a person these days has been promoted at work by virtue of skill or tact either, has been blessed with all things good and enviable lately, do you begin to say the person is in "Elevation"? You say he is in a state of "Elevation"?!
i would not agree for one. A very cowardly concept deviced by weak willed people to validate that state of being. Why be 'depressed'? what state of comfort does one achieve by subtly declaring he is under depression 'these days'? Treat the 'experience' as some kind of temporary terminal illness? ignore the need to fight it off? supress the obvious guilt of being in a sorry state of affairs?

does not work for me. but whatever. i dont subscribe to the idea at all. i loathe a person who is weak in will to surrender to something hypothetical like 'depression' and try and extract validity out of a state that is supposed to be an embarassment for one's self.

So, coming back to my apparent 'depression'. I had my forthcoming set out, atleast for the next coming months to come. I had conceded, i was taking myself to the dumps. Had almost begun to work on learning to let loose with things around, and submit to my concession with minimal fuss and show. It was not a concession to Inability. It wasnt a submission to fate or something. It was the gradual tired submission to the reluctance to let myself go waste. To let my dad's son go down and that fast.

It was the overwhelming realisation of the inevitable. But it wasnt governed by logic, or a sudden divine spate of self-Realisation or the likes. It was a gradual process of getting boxed in by lack of logistics and the means to make much of myself wheresoever and whichsoever direction i tried to look in. I sunk in more with each passing day as i struggled to call a truce with my fate trying to impress a mediocre life on me. i did not relent and continued to discern what was remaining of my life as futile in the wake of the shape of things being formed. I refused to be content with the proposed usage and utilisation of my own self in the life to come, if i were to concur with the 'movin on' part.

There were no little moments of tiny little hopeful white flashes. There were no motivations, no uncertain indications that i needed to take a rain check on my situation. Nothing preventing me from throwing myself to the dogs. Nothing. And to top it all i had strong conviction and situational reasoning running in favor of me, which had led me to the state of fake make-believe that i was doing it for the better. A wise decision being taken in the nook of time. Something done better off to avert eventual failure eitherways.

i had misplaced will. i had fumbled concepts of responsibility. i had lost all urge.
wasnt too far-fetched. i had lost the leash on my own life..




And then something happened. I apparently blacked out on the brain process on those days. Have no recollection of thoughts on the apparent transition. I literally have no memories of my state of mind or belief during that brief span of days. It was a graduation process working on a stale disconnected soul. a process on a wague vulnerable heart, soul and body structure. There were no reactions, no shiftings-in-place to the divine conditioning. Rigid stubs were uprooted, insurgent processes were shut down. The very concepts and terminologies to the mentally spent 'mummy' were subverted.

I didnt feel the rush, i didnt see it coming, i didnt turn to find it there, i eventually just came to know that it happened. and it happened somewhere down inside where i thought i had total reins to things. somewhere i knew i had conciously put outpost flags and cordons to make them inert or something i thought i dont know.

This Feeble little devilish angel flew right in where no one cared. It was an ironically timed event. Most of all i had
ever dreamt of, and more than all i could ever dream off, was rolled nice and slick in a cute little five foot four petite frame and slid my way when i had turned my back on the most elemantary of human needs. it was more than a cruel teaser from apparently a dude right above. the dude who never did and never would get an endorsement from me on his bare existence itself. i just seemed to acknolwedge him for the moment, since he seemed to fit so smugly into the picture and pull along a lot of peices together in shape.

A divinely pretty humane face to a leash. a 2nd leash on life. an as beautiful little soul as one could be blessed with. she came in and restructred the whole terra-ferma! Walked in pretty and became the reason to live within the next blink itself.

like a cute toddler with big pretty eyes and most beautiful divine features on her face, she flew all over, the sweet angel and somewhere sometime pressed the 'Cold reboot' on the debunked flesh and soul that was still trying to
reel in to the oblivious but non reluctant to give into compromises in life.

the concepts rewrote. the fundamentals rebridged and the pretty little woman walked into my life and then away. and the miserable heap of lard couldnt help but get up, be enchanted and follow..

full of energy and the smart, the angel flew in and personified motivation, culmination and urge.

First date with the beast..

musta been one of the most prettiest afternoons, admist one of the infamous Delhi summers on a boiling day, in the month of June'03.

i was unusually restless and excited for a hot dry afternoon. i had a date!!

a hot date at that! a date with the she- devil 'herself'.! the world, to as far as the eye could see around, was drooped in an envelope of drugged slumber.

But i had Plans.! :D

plans to raise the ambient temperature around. plans to disrupt the calm! coz like i said.. i had a Date!!

a date with the Beast.!

i stared at the watch and saw the seconds hand, more or less tick each second on the dial until it was 9am. i was waiting. Waiting for the dude who was to ride in the beast.

i tried but failed to keep myself at home. I went outside and sat in the appartment's garage and peeped at the gate through trees and clotheslines, imagining what she would look like coming in from there. what she would sound like, before she would actually come into sight..
i sat and peeped at the gate, for a good three hours, before the tall dark mallu dude, made his 'running-late' presence 'Heard' from a distance.

nobody but me, was prepared for what was due for the arriving. The first 'casualty' was the appartment gatekeeper, who gawked in an obviously uninformed stare at the gleaming blur of chrome on metal floating in wickedly fast against a backdrop of visible mirage shimmers on the tarmac.

the 'noise disturbance' grew increasingly louder and grumpier, as i sat there, my gaze fixed at the appt's gate expecting to see a hunk of streneous gleaming metal, move into view anytime now.

Prakash, the 'devil's advocate' rode in to the summer slumber on the 'Chrome-on-Royal Blue' 185 kilo beast, with a sonic boom in tail, to qualify for a mini- 'Boeing 747'!!

the deep throated twin cylinder twin exhaust gargle had a highly menacing tinge to it. the sound a mix of 'go Fuck yourself' with bits of 'whatever!!' and 'whatcha starin at?.. punk?!'..!

even from a distance it looked menacingly mean and 'down-to-business'. a sort of machine that makes it weight in kilos weigh on your heart and give you an ache from a distance. All of 185 Kilos! makin it the heaviest bike in india. a dense lump o hunk that dont wanna even let air pass by.

the loud holler settled into a 'civilised-beast' burble, as prakash pulled into the parking lot, complete with
half face helmet and dark shades to effect. he jerked the bike over the main stand with one clean 'educated' tug, and the 185 kilos of twisted metal and chrome slumped into a serene composure as he turned the handle away and turned the handle lock.

11:40 on the gate watch, as i walked up to the resting beast, my gaze fixed and unfazed through glares of sun shining off the oodles of crome that lace the bike.

i walked over and settled into a handshake with the big man, as he took off his riding gloves and acknowledged my over-excitement with a amused Smile.! my eyes still set at the resting beast, i think i saw it lift an eyelid, look me in the eye and say..." what?!! .. yu wanna say somethin' kid?!", and i looked back and towards the man of the hour, Prakash!

"Hey Prakash! how are ya?", i said.

"Im Good Man.. yu say.!?.. all excited, eh?!.." he replied.

'You sure know how to keep a dude waiting, when you so shouldnt Prakash!!".. i complained as i turned and glanced at the beast once more. Prakash dissolved into a hearty laughter, as he put his hand across my shoulder and started to walk towards something that looked like a place to sit.!

"i know whatcha mean.. HahHahaha.. " he went.. as i walked along smiling, though hardly amused!

we spent the next hour sitting and exchaning notes! Yamaha-Man to Yamaha-Man. i told him all about my Yamaha RX135 [the RD350's lil sister] and how i had gone about modifying it into a senseless wheelie-poppin-drag racing monster!

then we moved to the 'Induction' part. i had had no qualms in admitting to prakash, that i was a novice vis-a-vis the 350! i had done so, so that he'd lay the whole deal on me nice and easy. coz i needed that.

we walked around the corner and onto the road where the beast was still restin, its face the other way, like as to say it didnt give no fuck for nobody. like it couldnt care less two 'humans' were approaching too near for comfort. we both walked down the road to the 350, silently with no words for each other. I walked down staring at the beast, like a rookie at the barn gate of a Rodeo Ring, trying to imagine the nuances of the 'Huge Responsibility' that i was soon going to accept. While prakash walked along side, trying to steal one last glance at the bike that he had held closer to his heart, than anything else in life, and nurtured and cared for, like a father to son. Like a doting lover to his sweetheart. The bike he had ridden for 10 years!

Near the end of the road our eyes met as we smiled at each other. Smiles, trying real hard to hide the deep emotions in turmoil inside. Me probably too embarassed to acknowledge i was nervous about this, and he too averse to admit how hurt he was to give it away.

but he was glad it was being sold to someone with an equal if not greater passion for bikes. he knew she'd be cared for and loved. Pampered like she always was. just all the same. It was like looking for the unreasonable solace a lost lover looks into losing his/her love of life to someone else.

we stood next to the bike as he handed me the rusted weathered small key to the beast. Ironic little key to the big powerful beast. No plastic, No Rubber, no fancy prints! just a washed out faded grey small key.

'Take a ride! see how it is.." said Prakash, as he leant forward and turned some switches on and off and turned a few cockscrews to 'Activate' the bike or something, coz it sure looked like cockpit consoles to an airplane at that time to me.!

i swung a leg over as i tried to saddle the wide seat of the low-slung hunk-a-tunk Yamaha RD350, and reached for the handlebars and took a firm grip. i calmed the adrenalin rush and flicked the kick and took a firm heave down.! VhRoooOOom..burble.burble.burble.burble ..! Damn !Bang! went the silent slumber again, as the mighty 350 kicked back to like, and the twin smokers started to spit blue-white smoke along with angry sputtering blurbs that