a pretty 2nd Leash on life..

life wasnt really that enduring and entertaining to persist, till i had that divine brush with Prettyness indemnified, the sweet afterwind of the little innocent, unknowing cute angel that flew past and took away with her, what had left of the weathered, submissive lone entity that i thought i was!

i thought i lived pretty well off with my own self. i thought i was doing pretty ok. i thought i did pretty well not sharing breathing space with another living being for most of my awakened life. but thats what i thought. Apparently i didnt do the math well, or i dont know maybe i was just too well fitted within my space in life. too much in equillibrium to bother or risk a reason.

i didnt try and wrestle my way out of the solitary sac that i was awkwardly pouched in. The sad white inpermeable sac that was life for back then. it was too much thoughtless comfort and it didnt come with too much remorse back then if i didnt wiggle my limbs about. I had found my peace with the sac and the surroundings that were. I had even called my truce with the pain from my own losses in life of near and dear. The ambiguity and unreasonable nature of the mess and complexities in life each day was more and more looking like an idea i needed to embrace and move on, rather than tend to the internal turmoil and fight it.

There was internal unrest and an ensuing power and ethical struggle. Out of choices, the docile mind had stepped in and acted as the nonchalant educated referee and had set apart the warring entities. Some that were insurgent were suppressed, some were trampled witless and rest were simply flagged and diverted.
There was too much unchannelled energy. too much unutilized capability, and a bit too much of intellectual restraint, given the non-conducive and irrelevant outlets. there was nothing. nothing at all. im not sure wether to blame it on my luck, or to concede to it as my fate, or to make both of them share the credit. i was unsure about everything! there was too much around that was being wasted. of all people, i knew i could atleast admit to myself without gloating, that there was atleast a decent amount of intellect and ability going to the dogs.

I dont believe in the concept or the usage of the term 'depression', apart from it being used a synonym to the word 'dent' with reference to a physical surface. i dont subscribe to the idea itself and simply loathe the ease with which people today take to the word, and then conviniently hide behind it and then subconsciously tend to their own insecurities, complexes and weaknesess with a new found sense of hypothetical approval and endorsement by society. its as if they have an 'accepted' explanation and reason to the state they 'are in'. Though its nothing but a hypothetical state they 'choose to be in'! There is no such thing as a state of 'depression'! Its normal range of emotions amongst all the others that a human being of capable of going through.

If a person these days has been promoted at work by virtue of skill or tact either, has been blessed with all things good and enviable lately, do you begin to say the person is in "Elevation"? You say he is in a state of "Elevation"?!
i would not agree for one. A very cowardly concept deviced by weak willed people to validate that state of being. Why be 'depressed'? what state of comfort does one achieve by subtly declaring he is under depression 'these days'? Treat the 'experience' as some kind of temporary terminal illness? ignore the need to fight it off? supress the obvious guilt of being in a sorry state of affairs?

does not work for me. but whatever. i dont subscribe to the idea at all. i loathe a person who is weak in will to surrender to something hypothetical like 'depression' and try and extract validity out of a state that is supposed to be an embarassment for one's self.

So, coming back to my apparent 'depression'. I had my forthcoming set out, atleast for the next coming months to come. I had conceded, i was taking myself to the dumps. Had almost begun to work on learning to let loose with things around, and submit to my concession with minimal fuss and show. It was not a concession to Inability. It wasnt a submission to fate or something. It was the gradual tired submission to the reluctance to let myself go waste. To let my dad's son go down and that fast.

It was the overwhelming realisation of the inevitable. But it wasnt governed by logic, or a sudden divine spate of self-Realisation or the likes. It was a gradual process of getting boxed in by lack of logistics and the means to make much of myself wheresoever and whichsoever direction i tried to look in. I sunk in more with each passing day as i struggled to call a truce with my fate trying to impress a mediocre life on me. i did not relent and continued to discern what was remaining of my life as futile in the wake of the shape of things being formed. I refused to be content with the proposed usage and utilisation of my own self in the life to come, if i were to concur with the 'movin on' part.

There were no little moments of tiny little hopeful white flashes. There were no motivations, no uncertain indications that i needed to take a rain check on my situation. Nothing preventing me from throwing myself to the dogs. Nothing. And to top it all i had strong conviction and situational reasoning running in favor of me, which had led me to the state of fake make-believe that i was doing it for the better. A wise decision being taken in the nook of time. Something done better off to avert eventual failure eitherways.

i had misplaced will. i had fumbled concepts of responsibility. i had lost all urge.
wasnt too far-fetched. i had lost the leash on my own life..




And then something happened. I apparently blacked out on the brain process on those days. Have no recollection of thoughts on the apparent transition. I literally have no memories of my state of mind or belief during that brief span of days. It was a graduation process working on a stale disconnected soul. a process on a wague vulnerable heart, soul and body structure. There were no reactions, no shiftings-in-place to the divine conditioning. Rigid stubs were uprooted, insurgent processes were shut down. The very concepts and terminologies to the mentally spent 'mummy' were subverted.

I didnt feel the rush, i didnt see it coming, i didnt turn to find it there, i eventually just came to know that it happened. and it happened somewhere down inside where i thought i had total reins to things. somewhere i knew i had conciously put outpost flags and cordons to make them inert or something i thought i dont know.

This Feeble little devilish angel flew right in where no one cared. It was an ironically timed event. Most of all i had
ever dreamt of, and more than all i could ever dream off, was rolled nice and slick in a cute little five foot four petite frame and slid my way when i had turned my back on the most elemantary of human needs. it was more than a cruel teaser from apparently a dude right above. the dude who never did and never would get an endorsement from me on his bare existence itself. i just seemed to acknolwedge him for the moment, since he seemed to fit so smugly into the picture and pull along a lot of peices together in shape.

A divinely pretty humane face to a leash. a 2nd leash on life. an as beautiful little soul as one could be blessed with. she came in and restructred the whole terra-ferma! Walked in pretty and became the reason to live within the next blink itself.

like a cute toddler with big pretty eyes and most beautiful divine features on her face, she flew all over, the sweet angel and somewhere sometime pressed the 'Cold reboot' on the debunked flesh and soul that was still trying to
reel in to the oblivious but non reluctant to give into compromises in life.

the concepts rewrote. the fundamentals rebridged and the pretty little woman walked into my life and then away. and the miserable heap of lard couldnt help but get up, be enchanted and follow..

full of energy and the smart, the angel flew in and personified motivation, culmination and urge.